Lowered Defenses
by Lady Lioness
Summary: A pinch hit for the lj community, sga onesweetlove. The prompt was tender, unexpected, doubt, reassurance and the song "I Gotta Know," by Nikki Costa. The song was used for thematic inspiration. Ronon/Keller.


Author's Notes: No spoilers per say, but this fic falls into the timeline of my others. So it's "Torture sessions," "Silk and Steel," "Tokens of His Appreciation," and then this one, "Lowered Defenses." "Unseen" would probably occur just before "Lowered Defenses."

Her back was killing her. She had just completed an eight hour procedure on Sergeant Andrews, who had been caught on the edge of the blast radius of an exploding device. It was painstaking work ensuring that all the shrapnel was removed and that all the bleeders were caught. She leaned against the wall of her office, staring at her desk chair, afraid to sit down. She'd never get up again. She was distracted from her woeful mopings about the chair when her gaze caught sight of the bantos stick tucked under her desk. It was in two pieces, meant to be snapped together if needed. She could remember when Ronon presented it to her. His facial expression was as stoic as ever, but she could tell he was proud of his creation. He had to have gone to the mainland for the wood, probably carved it by hand. He'd kept to his promise to stop caching weapons in the infirmary, although she had to admit those switchblades had come in handy a time or two.

Things had been so different then. She had dreamed of him, played the usual 'what-if' games, built castles in the air, but he hadn't DONE anything. He'd do something so sweet, like the bantos stick, and then disappear for two weeks. Was it any wonder she had chosen Rodney? Rodney made no secret of how he felt, sought her out whenever he could. Despite his flaws, he could be wonderful. Loyal, oddly brave, and certainly brave. He tried to understand her. Rodney didn't grunt and stand too close, treating her like if she would break if someone breathed on her the wrong way.

Okay, so maybe she had kinda liked the protective thing at first. It had made her feel special, cherished. But she needed more than that from a relationship. She needed to be a partner, needed a to care for him as he took care of her. Ronon never spoke much of his past, never spoke much about _anything_. There were times when she'd let Rodney ramble on while she mentally plotted her schedule for the next day. If she wanted to know what Rodney was thinking, she just had to ask.

Her deep thoughts had successfully distracted her from her cramped back muscles, so when her office suddenly slid open, she jumped and then hissed from the radiating pain. Ronon stood there, a white bandage on his neck standing out in sharp contrast to his tanned skin. His perceptive eyes saw the stiff way she held herself and the lingering grimace that twisted her mouth. He strode into the office, invading her personal space in that casual manner of his and said gruffly, "Turn around and brace yourself against the wall."

She stared at him, mouth dropped open, as her thoughts were decidedly unclean. There was no way…he couldn't possibly mean…Ronon raised his eyebrows in that maddening way of his and twirled his fingers in a circle. The gesture made her roll her eyes. Gingerly, she turned around so that she faced the wall. Ever so slowly she raised her arms until her palms were flat on the wall. She heard a slight rustle and then he was standing behind her, his nearness causing her to hunch her shoulders a little. His hands were there, then, rubbing gently at first, then moving a bit more forcefully. His strong fingers dug into her back and it felt so good, she couldn't keep from moaning in relief. His movements stilled for a moment at the sound. He resumed the massage again and, after a few more beats of silence, asked, "Do you ever think about what it would be like if I was from Earth too?"

The completely random question took her utterly by surprise and she tensed. He squeezed her shoulders in an unspoken admonishment and she forced herself to relax.

"I don't know. Maybe I thought once or twice what it would be like if I meet you in college, but you wouldn't really be you without the experience you've lived through."

"I think about it a lot."

She caught her breath at the low admission. She wanted to see his face, but knew it would break the moment. She stayed quiet, hoping he would continue. He kept massaging her back as he went on, "Would I be a farmer like my grandfather was? Or maybe a teacher, 'cause I'm good with the defense classes? Maybe I'd be in the military like Sheppard or in law enforcement…"

His voice trailed off and she shifted a little as the pain began to melt away under his skillful fingers. Her voice caught a little as she said, "I always pictured you in the military or law enforcement, maybe a firefighter. I think the one thing that would never change is your desire to protect people."

He grunted at that and she was comforted by the familiar sound. He was silent for long moments and she wasn't sure what to do. Then,

"If we had met in college on Earth, would you have wanted to be with me then?"

His voice was so achingly filled with doubt that she tried to turn around then, but he was suddenly holding her wrists, keeping her hands trapped against the wall. She was surrounded by his scent and warmth, his hair tickling her cheek, and her head swam. Swallowing to moisten her dry mouth, she asked, wincing when her voice cracked, "What about Amelia? I thought you two were…"

He sighed, his breath causing her ponytail to brush against the nape of her neck, sending shivers down her spine.

"Don't get me wrong, the woman can kick ass, and she's smart too, but…I didn't meet her first."

Stamping down stray feelings of jealously, she concentrated on the latter part of his statement. It tied in so neatly with her previous ruminations that she exploded.

"After the Quarantine, you just _disappeared_. I didn't see you for weeks! Even when I fell into that giant hole, you weren't with the rescue party or in the gateroom. When you _were_ around, you treated me with kid gloves, acting like my bodyguard. I wasn't interested in having a bodyguard!"

They were standing so close, but she didn't think they'd ever been so far apart. His fingers moved restlessly on her wrists, and she waited for him to say something, anything. When it seemed like he was retreating into silence again, she moved to pull away, but his grip tightened, preventing her. He spoke then, his voice so quiet, she wouldn't be able to hear him if he wasn't right there.

"I loved Malena. With being a Runner, I couldn't even grieve for her properly until I came to Atlantis. And then when you came here…it took time before I saw the steel under that soft exterior, but once I did…

"You're right, what I've lived through has made me the man I am, and that man just can't give up until I know there's no hope of winning the battle. I gotta know, have we reached the point of no hope?"

She knew what he was asking. She knew what she should reply as Rodney's face floated through her mind, but the words stuck in her throat. If Rodney broke up with her tomorrow, next week, a month from now, could she see herself in a relationship with Ronon? But would it be fair to keep him dangling on such an unlikely happenstance?

"Yes."

At her croaked answer, she felt his body jerk as if absorbing a blow and his hands began to slip away from her wrists. Realizing what he thought, she corrected,

"I mean, no, we haven't. Reached that point entirely, I suppose. But-"

She stopped talking when he abruptly turned, looking into her face for the first time since he came in. She tried to meet his eyes, but couldn't do it, inspecting the bandage instead. She thought she must be blushing. After long moments passed, she heard, "I'll take it."

Her gaze flew to his, but he was turning away. He nudged the chair away and reached for the bantos stick. He snapped it together and spun it once experimentally. He remarked, oh so casually, "You know, if you exercised more, your back wouldn't hurt so much for so long. We should start training again together."

She felt dizzy as if the base had suddenly tilted. Taking a step forward, she opened her mouth to answer, but he was talking again. "Same time as before. Tomorrow. Don't forget."

And with the command, he laid the stick on her desk, and strode out, not once looking at her. He just left her standing there with her mouth hanging open again. What had just happened? She sank into the chair, absently noting how loose and limber she felt now. Better than a heating pad. She thought about Rodney now, as she ran her fingers along the smooth wood of the bantos stick, telling herself that she should absolutely not go to the training session.

But she knew she would.


End file.
